Realisation

Theirs so many unwritten but written words sitting in my draft box, waiting to be let open, to be let free, but sometimes some things are better left unsaid. 

But today I’m going to write, not for you. but for me. 

Some days my life feels like a storm waiting to turn into a hurricane of disaster. 

Sometimes i wonder if thats normal, is it normal to feel everything at once? to feel great one day and shit the next, to be happy one day and sad the next, to feel like to matter what happens, you aren’t going to be happy?  but yes its normal, its life. and life doesn’t always go the right way. 

i let someone come into my life who really messed with me, maybe it was the sense of comfort they gave me, or the thrilling words that left their lips everytime they spoke, or maybe it was the way that they made me feel everything at once, and then nothing at all. Maybe it was the thrill of knowing a different side of them that only i knew and now they are always in my life, but I’m not angry or sad anymore, i just realised sometimes people come into your life to fill a gap you never knew you had, they fix it for awhile and they leave and the gaps opened but bigger then ever. I don’t regret this person coming into my life, because I’m happy it happened. but sad because it ended before it began.

i learnt that some people are a line in your story, others are paragraphs and some are pages. It made me realise that we are the only people who can control our story, if we want someone to be a line,  we only give them a little part of us, and if we want them to be a page, we will invent them in our life so that they can fill up thousands of pages. 

The other day I was talking to my friend the other day and it make me realise so many things, isn’t it crazy how a few minute convention can make you question everything at once. Maybe it was the honest truth he was telling me, maybe its what i didn’t want to hear but needed to hear. 

Yesterday was a emotional day for me, maybe it was the millions for tests i had done, maybe it was from the drawn blood from my arm, or maybe it was my heavy leg session. But as i sitting at home trying to rest, i was restless. My mind played so many tricks on me, i was alone in my own head and sometimes being in my own head isn’t so great. Maybe its from the over working, not really knowing where my life going, or maybe its from the heavy training sessions, maybe its all the maybes that run through my mind daily. And it made me realise that over working will yes give you money, but it won’t make you happy. working 2 jobs 7 days a week has taken a toll on me, its like my head is full of so many sad thoughts, but thats because I’m exhausted. it made me realise that money won’t buy me happiness, happiness will be living comfortable but being happy.

Today i was realised that its time to move on from the unwanted thoughts that runs through my mind, its time to focus on myself and myself only. 

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