Self Discovery

I could start with a million things right now, Its a blank canvas that I’m going to fill with lots of words, lots of thoughts and pretty much my life.

For as long as i remember my innocent heart has always been broken, It all started with the man who was meant to love me, to care for me, to be my hero, to be the man i looked up to, but instead he broke my heart before any boy could. I have always had a part of my heart that hasn’t healed even to this day, Some might say i have daddy issues, maybe i do, maybe i don’t.  My Father is one of my demons, he enters my thoughts sometimes, its like he sneaks into my thoughts and wedges in there so all i see is darkness and heart break. I used to hate him a lot.

But 4 months ago i saw him for the first time in years.

He’s changed. His eyes where nothing like i remember, they where so dull, so empty, so sad. His face changed, it was puffy, he had only a few teeth left. He lost a lot of weight, too much. I remember this day like yesterday, because it was one of the days it felt like my heart was breaking all over again, it felt like i couldn’t breathe, it was like i was drowning in my own body. I remember looking up from the counter and seeing him. So many thoughts went through my head, that isn’t my dad is it? he looks so different, when he spoke though i knew it was him. I asked what he wanted and he told me his order. 

I’m thinking to myself, why isn’t he saying something?  Does he know it’s me? He has to know its me, I’m his daughter, I’m his blood. He gave me a $50 and i gave him change, his hand brushed on mine, i froze. He felt so cold, so lifeless. He said Thank you and walked away. I finally could breathe again, And that was the last day i let myself break over the man who was meant to be my father. He didn’t even know it was me. But that didn’t even hurt anymore, i wasn’t angry anymore. 

I was sadden for him. Drugs changed him, i only have little memories of him being a good dad but i still have a few that ill cherish because i don’t believe he’s a bad person, not anymore. I believe he is a person who has made really bad mistakes, i don’t forgive him for what he did to my mum, or for leaving me when i needed my him. I blamed myself for so so long. I used to cry myself to sleep, i cried all the  time. Because i thought i wasn’t loveable. i thought he left because having me was a mistake, a mistake that he wishes he could take back. 

But after the day i saw him i realise it wasn’t me. He left because he made mistakes, he left because it was the right thing to do. I truly do believe everything happens for a reason, he came into my mums life to give her 3 children that she loves with her whole heart. We all go through pain, pain that sometimes we let define us for a long period of time. I let the pain of him leaving define who i was for a long time, he sometimes enters my thoughts but it doesn’t hurt anymore, i threw my heart into the fire and it got burned, but I’m still here. He isn’t my dad, he isn’t my father. He’s a man that helped give me life but because we are blood doesn’t make us family. 

“Im brave enough to say I’m broken, But sometimes being broken isn’t unfixable.”

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s